Meet Desire Number Three

When you type "desire" into Google you get this*.

It all started with a simple journal entry earlier tonight. Yes, I keep a paper journal; there are just some things I feel more comfortable writing down, no matter how private I make blog posts. In that journal entry I just kept writing the same thing. Three things really. They were three desires of my heart. I would never admit to them. Ever. Instead I would turn to something else, something like food or shopping. So the desires persisted. Over time they grew stronger. Consequently there was more shopping, more eating, more denial. Finally the breaking point was reached. I wrote them down. All three of them. Over and over and over again. Each time I reaffirmed that I did in fact have these desires.

Two of those desires will remain between myself and the universe. The third I'm taking public. What is number three? I'm tired of being fat. 

It started out I'm tired of feeling fat. But as I rewrote the three desires, two flowed naturally and that third felt somehow wrong. After several rewrites and a dramatic paragraph about how I'm tired of pretending like the desires aren't there I was forced to admit that it wasn't just feeling fat that I'm tired of.

I'm tired of being fat.

Part of the reason I shied away from that true third desire is that I'm tired of something else. I'm tired of feeling like I have to change to gain acceptance. I've been there so many times: maybe he'll like me if I lose weight, maybe I'll have more friends if I lose weight. Blah blah blah. The same crap over and over again. I don't like that feeling. Losing weight is only a superficial answer though. I've dealt with one variation: maybe he'll like me/I'll have more friends if I develop XYZ personality. It's really just the external I'm stuck on. But hey, we all have work to be done.

Honestly though it's not all of the external. I like my hair. I like my eyes. I like the shape of my face. I like my figure. Let me explain that last one: when I'm in shape, I have an hourglass figure. I like that.

What irks me about the external is this fat suit I feel like I'm wearing. I feel like I'm living the TV show Drop Dead Diva: one day I woke up in a body that wasn't supposed to be mine. Parts of it are mine. Parts of it are not.

So it's time for some changes. And it's time to go public with those changes. No this isn't turning into a weight loss blog. But I would feel so phony if I didn't post about Desire Number Three.

I don't have a plan for Desire Number Three. Or really for one or two for that matter. But I didn't have a plan for Seoul either. I signed up, bought a ticket and showed up. No it was't impulsive; I carefully considered the decision before making it. Once I made the decision, I let that decision carry me where it wanted me to go. Life is often best that way. We have decisions to make. So make your decision carefully and make sure you trust your gut. Then just roll with wherever that decision takes you. This journey, like Seoul, is about more than just weight loss.

It's about seeing where the admission that Desire Number Three exists will take me.

*And I was worried that Google would come back with soft core porn. Instead Google gave me this. Google knows me well.