whole1

Today I woke up nervous and a little scared.

You see today is the first day of my first ever Whole30.

For those that aren't familiar with it, Whole30 is a nutritional reset of sorts that seeks to challenge what you eat and how you interact with your food. There's more information available here, if you want to learn more.

I've wanted to try the Whole30 for some time now but I could never quite bring myself to do it. Since I was in middle school I've had this awful relationship with food, choosing to self-medicate using sugar rather than address problems in my life. As ridiculous as it sounds, I would go so far as to eat powdered sugar straight from the bag with a spoon when I was left home alone in high school.

Embarrassing, I know.

But then something changed.

I got this cold recently. And it just didn't go away. For like 2 weeks.

So I got fed up. I got fed up with being sick. I got fed up with using  full coverage foundation, concealer, highlighter, bronzer, and blush to make my skin look healthy and normal. I got fed up with constantly feeling like I needed a second cup of coffee.

I tried to make changes on my own. I bought healthier food. I made workout schedules.

I went out to eat for lunch everyday and ran by Wegman's for junk food.

Sure weight was coming off, but it was because I was eating less food, not better food.

It became clear that I needed a plan, something with rules and structure that would force me to make changes. After a ton of research I chose a plan. But something felt...wrong. I kept thinking about Whole30. So I downloaded a sample to my Kindle, not ready to spend money and commit.

Ten minutes later I was back on Amazon purchasing the book.

I've done a lot of plans in the past. I am a champion yo-yo dieter. Every time it's the same: I run into things headlong, all full of fire. IMMABETHEHEALTHIESTEVERANDSOSOSOSKINNYTHISISGONNABETHEBESTTTT, my brain says every single time. It's always the one, the plan that changes it all.

But this time, it's different. I didn't start the next morning. Instead I waited 5 days to start. I cleaned out all of my food. I made my menu and my grocery list. I did the shopping, but not until late Saturday afternoon. I thought through everything, talking through every possible angle.

To be honest, there wasn't a moment when I wasn't scared. Doing this plan meant giving up about 80% of my diet. It meant giving up the things that brought me comfort, that helped me celebrate, that served as a reward. It meant the inevitable sugar withdrawal, complete with feeling like I got hit by a truck.

And yet still I wanted to do it.

So today I started.

I don't exactly start enthusiastically. I ate my egg bake wishing it was cereal (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, specifically) every. single. bite. Sure it tasted good but it wasn't Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But I stuck it out. I even woke up bargaining with myself, maybe I could just modify the rules slightly I said like some kind of addict facing rehab. A little crack won't hurt, will it?

And now, I've made it through my first day successfully, no thanks to my brain. No my brain was not helpful today. Instead it did its best imitation of the member berries. Member ice cream? Member soda? Member CoffeeMate? Member? it said, all damn day long.

I'm not out of the woods yet. Not by a long shot.

But no matter what happens tomorrow, at least I will be able to say I did a Whole1.

Which for the girl who last week ate sourdough toast with cream cheese for breakfast, Cheezits and conversation hearts for lunch, and pasta for dinner one day last week, that's a pretty big deal.

Don't judge me.

I'm working on it, okay?